Taking another step up

 For quite some time God has been calling me to religious life. For as long as I can remember actually but I got the strong urge to follow up on it in 2004. Then life got in the way and I stepped away from religious life - I think I was scared. Scared of change. Scared of spiritual warfare. Scared of leaving my home. Scared of getting into something that I really didn't know too much about. 

Then about two years ago I got the feeling again, but this time it came stronger than ever. No longer did I need a crutch to go visit other communities nor did I feel scared to pursue this lifestyle. Maybe it's because I matured in my way of thinking and my spirituality that I was able to walk with faith that I was no longer scared. Nervous yes, scared no. 

I got the courage to reach out to people and ask for help to go to retreats where I know I don't drive (Houston). And got the courage to reach out to unknown territories with the trust that the Lord will help me if that is where He wanted me. 

I listened to Him when He told me to start looking for employment in Victoria even though I had thought I would not be moving until the ends of May. Yet I applied to two different jobs and ended up getting one. What is funny about this job is that I applied and didn't think I would get the job being that they didn't call me when the posting closed. I also didn't think I had a good possibility being that I would have the job because I would be there only temporarily, if I kept going the way I was going, in about three years I would be a novice with the Incarnate Word and Blessed Sacrament sisters and as a Novice I can no longer work. 

Yet it turned out that I always had the job. I was the top candidate since the start and the other applicants didn't even come close. (These are their words, not mine. I'm not that conceited, I actually thought I had some tough competition!) But the Lord had told me to apply at the time that I did because that was the job He had chosen for me, there is no other explanation in my mind for it. 

  So now I have to get everything ready to move to Victoria. I should start my new job the 15th of this month. I can't believe that it's happening and I'm still a little nervous about it but I am not scared. I feel like all is going to be okay. I really hate the fact that I have to leave my family and friends but I know that I'm doing the right thing. It really really breaks my heart to leave my cats. They have been my best friends for five years. I know they are going to miss me and I will miss them terribly. 

It's also very coincidental that all this is happening right after Lent. The reason I say this is because what gave me courage back in 2004 to go out and look for religious communities was watching The Passion of the Christ. I have always been drawn to the Suffering Christ and Our Lady of Sorrows, always wanting to have been there to comfort them at least a little bit during their darkest hour, so Lent has always been very special to me because that is the season we walk with Jesus in a closer deeper level. 

See Jesus knew that His journey was going to be hard and that He would suffer but He still did it because He loved us so much. I feel that I may be sad, this journey may be long and hard and maybe I'll suffer (not anything compared to what Jesus suffered) but I love Him enough to do it. I believe He knows that I am strong enough to handle this journey otherwise He wouldn't have kept calling me. So yes I will give up what is of this world and follow Jesus, even if that includes my cats. 

I also have much faith in the Blessed Mother. One thing I remember a lot in the movie The Passion of the Christ was her willingness to try to comfort others even though her heart was breaking into many little pieces. Or as it was predicted, it was as if a sword was piercing her heart. If Mary would comfort other's during her most heartbreaking moment, then she will be there as a comfort for me when I need her to be. 

Near the end of the movie, when Mary held Jesus I remember her looking out toward all of us as she held Him with a look that said, "Look what He did for you, what will you do for Him?" I never had an answer for her. I thought maybe by volunteering so much in my parish would be considered enough even though I knew He was calling me to something greater. Now that I am in the process of doing God's will not only His works, I can look back at Mary in this image and say, "I know, I understand, I'm coming to help."


Still to say that I'm not going to struggle is a lie, I know I am. The closer you try to get to God, the harder the road gets. Everything seems to fall all around you and everyone tries to bring you down. The devil works hard to make sure God's army is not as strong as he thinks his is, but I know that if he tries hard to stop someone from doing God's will it's because God has a special task for them. 

But I know that I have help. I rely on Blessed Mother because I know she is willing to help me. And I trust in the Lord, I know He wants this for me. 

I know that it's going to be hard too because I may trust in the Lord to handle my life and to get me where He wants me, I have trouble giving myself fully over to Him. I want to hold on to that final little piece of me for some reason. I guess so I will have a little bit of me to fall back on in case for some reason I need to. I have trouble allowing the Holy Spirit to come over me and let myself rest in the spirit. Several times I felt it coming and I pushed Him away. I am a little scared of letting go completely but I guess if I didn't have anything to work on I would already be in Heaven. 

So yes I have taken another step to get to where Jesus wants me, I know I still got a long way up the staircase but as long as I'm moving toward the top, I know I will get there eventually.